As we find ourselves half way through the last month of 2013 – the year of the snake – it’s important to realize that we’re not the same people we started the year as…
More likely than not, that’s a very, very good thing.
More likely than not, that’s a very, very good thing.
I had a pretty intense day yesterday. So, true to form, I wrote about it.
This is my first article for the EJ labeled “Adult” – I guess the subject matter is a bit more mature. I’m really grateful for everything that happened yesterday, though – it made me think and really re-evaluate…everything.
“I think home resides in the act of taking something born from darkness and baptizing it in the light of renewal. When you’re able to find peace within pain and build from it, manifesting something you never dreamed possible because it radiates so much fucking light and purity and love—that’s when you’ve come home.
Home is balance. Home is reconciliation. Home is forgiveness. Home is release.”
(I wrote this a few weeks back, during the time of the full moon…this is one of my most intensely personal pieces, and although I’ve been leery about posting it, I really feel it will do more good sharing it than letting not…)
I always said I would be the one to break the cycle. That’s exactly what I’m doing right now, and I need to take it easy on myself. This is hard fucking work. Grueling fucking work. This is the work that matters – changing and transforming energy patterns. Killing karma – throwing up a detour sign and redirecting traffic. I’m not traveling that worn out road anymore. There are so many ancient footsteps and wagon tracks that I can’t even see the path anymore.
Good. ‘Bout fucking time.
I feel like I’m being ripped out of my skin and my head. During yoga last night, I found myself entertaining thoughts of completely losing myself, of shedding every ounce of ego, every memory, every energetic watermark. Of being born completely anew, fresh and unburdened. Seeing life through new eyes – living life devoid of darkness. Seeing only the light, letting it cleanse me, purify me, make me whole again.
I think it’s a miracle that any of us are even remotely sane. It’s beyond fathomable to me that we all continue to get out of bed and do the things that must be done, day in and day out. We carry so much weight, so much heaviness – it’s amazing any of us are still upright at all.
I’m writing this the day after the full moon/lunar eclipse – a super-charged time of confrontation and release. I feel like I have so much to purge and I’ve only just scratched the surface. I feel like there’s a volcano of hurt and agony and damage burning inside of me and I’m barely keeping up with clearing the way for it to explode so that it doesn’t take me down with it.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living on borrowed time. Like I keep urging my life to begin, and the more I push it, the harder it pushes back.
Sometimes I feel like I’m nothing but a fuck-up, taking everything and everyone I know and love for granted.
Sometimes I feel like I’m going to crumble under this self-imposed, illusionary mass of unbearable weight.
This is the darkness. This is what always tempts you back, finger curling, beckoning you back into the twisted solace and comfort of complete break down and despair.
A good friend recently told me that there’s always been a darkness around me. The difference between now and when she met me five years ago is that I don’t stay in the darkness as long anymore, she said. I’m different – I feel different. I look different. I’ve changed. I’ve grown up.
Five years is an incredible amount of time in both the short and long sense. I was single for five years after leaving an emotionally manipulative relationship. I spent five years getting back to myself – everything that made me, me. I started writing again, building up my freelance career, interviewing my favorite bands, going to endless shows, surrounding myself with music, art and the people who shared my passions. I drank, I partied, I traveled, I wrote. I lost and found myself every day and every night.
But in spite of all that, I was still lost. I kept searching outside of myself for completion, for fulfillment. For validation.
Then I entered into my next long-term relationship. And it all started happening again. Losing myself, taking time away from my passions. Taking on someone else’s issues and and allowing that extra baggage to squelch my flame. Snuff my light. A heaviness began to settle into my chest and my mind. My eyes glazed over and I began to play the part. Rationalizing why I could go without such essential needs – affection, connection, understanding, a true, emotional, expansive partnership – in lieu of the illusion that I was fucked up, but at least this fucking gorgeous man accepted and loved me (he really, really did, and still does…in his own way), cause goddess knows no one else will.
But that only lasts so long. Well, for me, that only lasts so long. This was my first step in breaking the cycle I was born into. This was my first step in embarking on a true homecoming. The day I went to the woods and realized how much better life would be without this relationship was my personal day of reckoning. I don’t know how anyone does it – receiving intense revelations and epiphanies and ignoring them. I’ve never been that type of person who, once confronted with the truth, can simply walk away from it. Especially when it’s screaming from my heart – belting out piercing howls of agony through all the heaviness that had been doing a specFUCKINGtacular job of soundproofing them this entire time.
And I now I find myself here, again. Getting back to writing. Getting back to myself. Being confronted with the truths that I wasn’t ready to face until now. In the five years I was single before, all I did was run from any glimmers of awareness. I drank them all away. I did whatever I could to avoid them. Five years could have been five minutes for all the good that time did. Or, more accurately, for all the good (healing) I allowed in that time.
That’s why the notion of time is such an illusion. I know I’ve used that word a lot, but it’s so much more prevalent in our lives than we realize. We create these illusions of time periods in which we think it’s appropriate “time” to heal, appropriate “time” to strike out, to make a move, to take a chance. Appropriate “time” to let everything go and really get the fuck on with our lives.
We decide when the timing is right by making the most of it. By following our gut, which is in direct alignment with our heart. By truly listening, being present and acknowledging our inner promptings.
This time around, finding myself at the next level of my spiral, cyclical journey, I see a lot of similarities, but I see them differently. And that’s how we travel through time. We come back to our passions and our dreams and loves and desires, but we handle them with more care, infuse different, more experienced energy, and see what we can do with them at this new juncture. Because to not honor the varying rings of spirals and cycles, to not see them for what they are and truly appreciate them for all of the lessons they’ve delivered to us is to merely tread water, taking this most precious gift we’ve been given for granted in the most deplorable way.
We have second and third and fourth and fifth chances to change whatever isn’t working in our lives through every second of every day. We hold the power of choice and change in our hearts and hands. We all have roots, but what we don’t realize is that we have the power to pull them up and replant and re-situate them in any place and fashion we desire. Our hearts hold our roadmaps; our hands hold the immense potential and strength to dig and establish our roots in accordance with our true essence.
It’s up to us to release the weight and heaviness from our hearts and clear the way for communication to our next greatest vehicles of healing. It’s up to us to release and forgive ourselves so that we can step into love. Because that’s the ENTIRE point of this maniacal, glorious, miraculous experience.
We can no longer turn our backs on the changes that have been beckoning to be made. The more we push them down, the harder they’ll push back. They’re ready to emerge, and they’re rocketing upwards with a beautiful, powerful, energizing vengeance.
We can decide whether that vengeance will come calling with new light, new love, new breath and the new way of life we’ve desperately been seeking (which has been here all along, just waiting for us create the necessary space for it by releasing our old, outmoded patterns and blockages), or we can feed into the negative aspects of this Scorpio-fueled metamorphosis and create a raging, harrowing, bang-your-head-against-the-wall vengeance with the help of our old friend we hate to love…
LIFE IS HAPPENING ALL AROUND US.
Are we really here? Are we doing everything to appreciate this gargantuan gift we’ve been given? Or are we too busy complaining, worrying, stressing, planning…are our minds filled with so much static that we’ve become deaf to everything that truly matters?
Noticing these patterns of stress and worry are the first steps back to gratitude. When you realize how much you’re taking for granted by simply losing yourself in negative, critical and often times abusive thought patterns, I would hope the next thought that crosses your mind is, “Fuck. Wow. I’ve wasted a lot of fucking time stewing on shit that really, truly doesn’t matter.” And you know what? If it does, it’ll find a way to work itself out, if you just focus on the positive aspects of the situation and let the rest go.
“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.” ~Greg Anderson
LET IT THE FUCK GO.
Let it all go. Give it up. Focus solely on the silver lining, the things that generate and awaken feelings of appreciation, positivity…something, anything to zone in on what will derail your downward spiral.
Those who say that’s easier said than done are right. They’re also typically the people who repel those who don’t feel like getting pulled into a vortex of soul-sucking energy. These people repel those who choose to see what’s up – those who choose to acknowledge the light rather than dwell in the darkness.
GROW SOME BALLS. (WO)MAN UP AND GET OVER YOURSELF.
We’re WAY too mind-driven. We’re drowning in angry tidal waves of fear and confusion that are waging a war within the ribbed walls of our skulls. It’s like a whale’s belly; we’re lost inside, screaming bloody murder…screaming. Screaming into space, into an empty carcass, surrounded by the harrowing echoes of our own desperate, lonely cries.
We’ve become trapped, dislodged, disconnected, drowning in the narrowing tunnels of analysis and statistics.
Reconnect. Wake up. See yourself, see your partner, see your friend. Really look and notice things. Strive to notice things that have become invisible to you. Set the intent, every day, to be AWARE; aware of your surroundings, your words, your energy.
BE AWARE OF YOUR EXISTENCE.
Be mindful of your contributions and their impacts. Think before you act. Practice the lost art of listening. Stop caring what other people think and redirect that energy towards being the most authentic human being possible. The greatest gift you can give to anyone in this life is simply BEING YOURSELF. Wholly, completely, unabashedly yourself.
FUCK THE REST. YOU KNOW IT DOESN’T MATTER.
You also know what DOES matter. Pour your energy towards that – whatever wakes you up, energizes you, excites you, inspires you, motivates you – go towards that light. If you’re not happy with who and where you are, it’s because you’ve been spending too much time on the things that don’t matter. We all do it – don’t beat yourself up over it.
SIMPLY CHANGE YOUR DIRECTION.
Try it. Even if just for a day, and notice all the miracles that happen.
RINSE, WASH, REPEAT.
Keep this cycle of miracles going. Keep your energy flowing to all the right places. Witness and become one with this truly epic process of transformation.
NOW…GO FORTH AND BE FUCKING EXCELLENT!!!
This is my latest piece for Elephant Journal. I haven’t written anything in about two weeks…not to say I haven’t tried. It just hasn’t been flowing the way I’ve wanted it to.
I gave it another shot this morning, but in a different style. I think I’ve been getting bored with some of my articles, feeling like they’re sounding the same. So, I changed it up.
This is kind of intimate…kind of personal. But I really like the way it came out. And it somehow has over 300 hits already without being featured on the main page and without me sharing it. Hmmm.
Hope you enjoy. XOX.
“I hope I don’t blind you. I hope the explosion isn’t too much for you to handle. I hope you’re strong enough to handle the universe that I’m revealing to you…and only you.”